AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

written a few days after my grandmother's death last fall for a satire seminar. i'm going to hell for this.
anyway, i'm re-posting this now. took it down for awhile (out of fear that family would be reading the blog-- family who might not have taken it as lightheartedly as it is intended).

almost exactly one year later, here it is-- the obituary to end all obituaries.

Sister of FAMOUS GOLFING LEGEND DIES.
Victoria M. Algustoski Fisher passed away late Sunday evening, surrounded by her impatient family, who had waited ninety-one years to pilfer her belongings. Vicky remained in nearly perfect health (much to the chagrin of her family, who thought that she might actually be immortal) up until a hip fracture--the cause of which is still highly debatable-- that occurred a month before at her home in Florence, Massachusetts.
Vicky was born on January 22, 1916, and raised in Haydenville, Massachusetts, in a home much too small for her ever-expanding family. Her mother, Mary, died while delivering her twelfth child (can you blame her?) leaving Vicky to raise the other children: Bobby, Tommy, Benny, Lottie, Dottie, Kenny, Stasia, and Jack. Her father, Walenty, attempted to help as best he could by getting drunk, gambling, and running a barbershop out of their basement—usually in that order.
She is outlived by three of her twelve siblings. Bobby Toski, of Some Expensive House on Some Famous Golf Course in Boca Raton, Florida, promises to honor her memory by sipping 12-year-old Scotch and mentioning her name in passing the next time he appears on the Golf Channel. Unfortunately, Bobby will not be around for any of the memorial services—he’s much too consumed by his harrowing job as a golf instructor—so all of you planning to attend the wake or funeral for the chance of a few free golf tips, don’t bother-- send flowers instead. Tommy Toski, best known as The Marginally Talented Brother of the Famous Bobby Toski, will not, like his brother, attend either the wake or the funeral. In fact, Tommy is admittedly slightly irked at Vicky’s untimely passing. Plane tickets bought on such short notice are, of course, expensive, though Tommy did reconsider attending when he was told about the free meal after the funeral ceremony. Victoria’s only surviving sister, Dottie “Sticky Fingers” Kneeland, mourns the passing of her older sister and eagerly anticipates the inheritance of a few coveted family heirlooms. For instance, a fitted brown dress that Vicky wore on her honeymoon—worth only eight dollars in 1942—is now going for twenty-five dollars plus shipping on eBay. Dottie encourages those who would like to remember her sister to visit her eBay page for a 20% Bereavement Discount on any single item owned by Vicky (this limited time offer can not be combined with any other offers).
Vicky will be buried with her beloved husband, Harrison A. Fisher, in Saint Mary’s Cemetery in Haydenville. Harrison, a World War II veteran, declined in health in 1992 and passed away after an altercation at a large-scale family reunion that resulted in the relinquishing of all door prizes by Dottie “Sticky Fingers” Kneeland. It is rumored that Harrison suffered several heart attacks at this event, where he witnessed the use of an ostentatious gold serving dish as a weapon and heard a drunken, unintelligible rendition of “Melody of Love” by Bobby Vinton.
For reasons unbeknownst to her family, Victoria chose to bear four children, all of which survive her. Her eldest daughter, Marianne Donahue, Register of Deeds of Hampshire County, will serve as executrix of the estate. In an attempt to uphold her reputation with the public, she will use this opportunity as a tool for social networking and delegation: her mother’s wake will serve as the pinnacle of her campaign for reelection. Hours before Victoria passed away, she had already planned the majority of the funeral services. As family streamed in to visit Vicky, Marianne confronted them, requesting that some begin working on the obituary while others start cleaning the homestead. She was even able to find six pallbearers with alternates in case of emergency. Vicky, though unconscious and struggling through her last breaths, must have felt very reassured when she heard that her wake would be held only a few days hence.
Victoria also leaves behind her second daughter, registered nurse Cynthia Clark of Easthampton. Cynthia attended to her mother’s health, not only as a nurse, but as a constant provider of Schweppes (and only Schweppes) ginger ale and plain chocolate M&M’s. Victoria’s funeral plans, enumerated in an appendix to her will, provide for the inclusion of a bottle of Schweppes and a party-sized bag of M&M’s in her casket. Victoria’s last wishes also included and emphasized a closed-casket wake. In her dying breaths, she asked angrily whether she was dead yet, and upon realizing that she was still alive, promised to haunt all of her children if they dared to open the casket. She summoned up every ounce of strength in her body to shake her fist in concurrence with this emphatic statement.
Lieutenant Colonel James R. Fisher of Washington D.C., the third child of Victoria and Harrison, spent time alternately comforting his dying mother and attentively watching the final Red Sox game of the American League Championship Series. Luckily, Victoria held on long enough to find out that the Red Sox were going to the World Series. She passed away only ten minutes after the game was won—just long enough to hear the resounding choruses of “Tessie” and “Dirty Water.” Although her family urged her to simply “let go” and “relax”, Vicky held out until the Sox won the pennant— what a diehard fan!
The baby of the family, William “Billy” Fisher remained somewhat elusive and aloof during his mother’s last hours. He reconciled her illness and dealt with her death in the same manner he dealt with all other problems: by chain smoking and betting on horse races. Billy was born on Christmas in 1956 and was often seen by the family as their equivalent of Jesus. God’s gift did spend time with his ailing mother when his doting sisters weren’t constantly there to rib him. Billy had not been on good terms with Marianne since the age of seven, when Marianne dressed him up as a bride and forced him to “marry” his own brother Jim. Billy did, however, exact some vengeance for this when, during his “wedding reception”, he chased Marianne around the house with a nine-iron. With one perfectly aimed swing, he broke the arm off a dining room chair. He and Jim spent the entire evening gluing the chair back together; however, Billy forgot to remove his gown. Only when it was wrinkled and splattered with glue and mahogany-tinted wood stain did Billy and Jim decide to put their mother’s wedding dress through the wash. Though the dress ended up in tatters, Billy and Jim created a story that put Marianne at fault for the ruined gown. They never disclosed the secret about the broken but convincingly repaired dining room chair: until her dying day, Vicky never found out exactly what happened the night she and her husband left their younger children with Marianne as the babysitter.
Victoria will also be remembered and missed by her six loving grandchildren: Amy, Jennifer, Beth, Laura, and Mary Fisher, and Jonas Clark. Beth, the eldest daughter of Jim and his wife, Kathy, hoped to inherit the previously aforementioned dining room set. Beth and her husband Rick had recently purchased a home in North Carolina and, needing a place to entertain, they hoped to commemorate Bapcia by having the set as a fixture in their home. Billy and Jim were forced to disclose, at long last, the secret of the dining room chair. Marianne hoped that this story would sway Beth to decide against taking the dining room set that she herself had wanted; however, Beth thought the well-hidden cracks, scald and burn marks, and rough edges added a character very reminiscent of the Fisher family holidays.
Jennifer (the second daughter of Jim and Kathy) traveled North from Virginia to attend bapcia’s memorial services. When asked by Marianne if there were any items in the house she’d like to inherit, Jennifer declined; however, she did closely examine all family photo albums, extracting all pictures from her younger years in which she sported a well-groomed mullet. Everyone deals with death and grief in their own way—apparently Jennifer was comforted by the abolition of any proof of such a horrific haircut.
Amy Fisher, the youngest daughter of Jim and Kathy, and Laura Fisher, the eldest daughter of Billy and his wife Karen, remembered bapcia in death the same way they celebrated her in life: by requesting the crass “She’s Too Fat for Me” polka on the local Sunday morning Polish radio show. Amy and Laura, both the same age, requested the same song every year at the annual family reunion. For as long as they could remember, bapcia always acted surprised and horrified when the polka band dedicated it to her before they counted down the bouncing beat. Marianne would not, however, honor their request that the “She’s Too Fat for Me” polka be played as the recessional during the funeral, though the girls were sure bapcia would have loved it.
Jonas Clark, the sole grandson of Vicky and only child of Cynthia Clark and her ex-husband George Clark, drove to his bapcia’s house immediately after her death and, with a roll of masking tape in one hand and a Sharpie in the other, labeled everything from the washer and drier to the kitchen table as his. He already missed his grandmother so very much that he hauled her collections of antique crystal expensive watercolors to his apartment hours before she even died. Unfortunately, Jonas will not be attending the funeral: though Marianne was sure that Vicky would have loved Jonas to be a pallbearer, he couldn’t, due to an annual dentist appointment that was scheduled for the same time.
Mary Fisher, the sister of Laura Fisher and the youngest grandchild and namesake of Vicky’s mother, asked that she simply have one of her bapcia’s sets of rosary beads. Vicky, religious until the very end, owned several and prayed with them on a daily basis. Marianne assured Mary that none of Vicky’s rosary beads was worth any amount of money and remained in a state of perpetual shock after Mary admitted that monetary worth was not superior to sentimental value.
Victoria, surprisingly, dealt with her unruly, loud, and confrontational family until the very end. She raised all of her nine brothers and sisters, had four children of her own, and played a large role in the upbringing of her six grandchildren. Though they may not exhibit their sorrows in any usual manner, her family will miss her greatly and remember her fondly when they sip Schweppes and nosh on M&M’s, listen to Vicky’s favorite polkas, and especially when they hear anyone exclaim in a fit of frustration, “BILLY- JIMMY- BOBBY- TOMMY-BOBBY--Oh, YOU KIDS!” Goodbye to the central pin in the fabric of all of our lives—may she rest in peace and quiet.